Family Talk

I love talking, I can chat your ear off. I feel comfortable talking in front of public (love public speaking, partially because of a great teacher Jim Frankenfeld), I am not shy to express my opinion when majority around me have a different point of view, I can start a conversation with a stranger pretty easily. In most cases I love talking and it cheers me up and energizes in a way. However, lately I have discovered that there is one circumstance under which I don't like talking and don't want to. I don't like having a family talk. No, I love talking to my folks and I love talking to Matt's parents, what I don't like is have Matt and his parents and siblings on the phone at the same time when they are all together in the states while I am in Russia. This has nothing to do with them, I love them all, I really do, and I enjoy talking to them. More so, I ask Matt all the time how they are doing and what is new with them, so how come I shut down in a way when I hear them on the other end? Well, the answer is pretty simple. I know that Matt and I are separated for awhile, and I don't mind the situation most of the time. There is one time I do mind it, that's when I know that they are all together, they are all having fun, they all enjoy the evening with each other, while I am not there. I hate being excluded. Even though many might say that the fact that they call and want to talk means that they want to include me, but that just throws the fact at me that I am not there, and their lives go on just as they have before. That thought makes me sad. My sister gets depressed quite a bit, and I think that I have a tendency to do so too, however, I usually catch things in life that make me sad and eliminate them. I am convinced that it's the only reason I don't get depressed. For example, I know that talking with Matt and his folks when they have a family function makes me sad and I have expressed to Matt that I don't want to talk to people all together. I don't mind talking to them separately, it's been on speaker that makes me realize that I am just an intruder (at least that is how I feel). Matt does not always seem to understand that, and sometimes he does make me do so, but then I feel sad for the evening or even days. Ok, this has happened only once, but it's going to happen again I think. It's a trap really. I do want to talk to them, I don't want them to think that I don't like them. I love them very much, but I just don't want to feel crappy after talking to them because I am not there. Matt said that they all want to call and tell me what they got me for New Years, and that the gift itself will offset my sadness. Well, I don't think he realises why I am sad. Gifts won't make me feel better, really. I will be sad because I will know that they are all together at our house on Christmas day having meal together, sharing laughs and stories, exchanging gifts, yet I will just hear their excitement over the speaker and realise that I am just sitting at home back from work and have nothing to look forward to but the next working day. It's a trap, and I know that it's coming. How do I make everybody happy including myself in this situation? I have a few days to figure it out and suggest the solution to my husband.